On Grief

What a March! Parang first quarter palang, bugbog na tayo... I don't know if it's just within my sphere, but there have been so many losses, grief, sickness, and unexpected things happening these past few weeks... Huhuhu, I feel you guys...

Just a week after Dennis' dad passed away (it was so sudden), we had to rush Ciara to the hospital because she had a seizure, we were confined for 4 days before we got discharged... And now, we are all nursing a really bad flu... It's emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting, to say the very least.

But the bittersweet truth is, life goes on. And it does not wait for anyone...

Minsan gusto ko nalang tumulala at matulog. Ikaw din ba? So hinga muna tayo nang malalim, then exhale... 

These days, I'm learning more and more about grief...

Grief is like a dark cloud that follows you wherever you go. It hovers even on your busiest day, it's just there, and you know that if you just dig a little deeper and take a moment to stop, it will wash over you and seep into your soul.

So we avoid it.

We walk and then break into a sprint just to keep the thoughts from coming and drowning us.

We run the hamster wheel with much gusto until there's no space left for grief to take over. But it finds its way nonetheless. It makes its presence felt in the tiniest crack and crevice of space and time. 

But we're stubborn, so we push it away, further and further down because there are so many things left to deal with... There are exams to study for, there are bills to pay, people that depend on us, obligations to do... We don't have time for a good cry or a free day just to process things. 

And grief will give us that, it will hide itself because it feels that it is never invited...

A week will pass, a month, maybe even years... but like a ghost, it comes back to haunt us...

Then we break down, in tears, in shame, in guilt... we thought we were okay, but we're not.. 

Whenever I remember my unborn baby, my heart still aches and I get teary-eyed when I think about that time... I realize that grief is not a destination you get to and graduate from...  I know this truth: I will NEVER NOT be sad whenever I remember my baby... I will NEVER NOT wonder whether she was a girl or a boy and what she would grow up to be like if she survived... And that's okay, I've made peace with that... I've come to know how grief and joy are interspersed beautifully when they are woven together. 

We do life in such a way that grief and joy come from one and then the other, and when we are not so determined to separate them, that's when we realize how grief is not so bad... and how joy certainly comes to those who mourn and experience loss.

So let the tears come. Allow yourself to wallow in that pile of tears to release your sadness and longing... give yourself the time and space to think of what ifs and ruminate regrets until grief becomes a friend... until it sits with you and wraps itself around you, and when you have come to embrace it, then that's when it will slowly let go...