We Lost our Baby

JULY 12

It was our 2nd ultrasound at 8 weeks and the line of questioning of the sonologist indicated that something was wrong.

"Bakit pinaulit yung ultrasound?"

"Hindi ka ba nagspospotting?"

"Your doctor will be the one to explain it to you ha, ma'am."

Something was also missing on the monitor. A blinking dot and a number of 100+ bps.

I had been pregnant before so I knew when something was amiss.

This was our 2nd ultrasound which we had to repeat because the first ultrasound at 6 weeks didn't detect any fetal heart rate. There was, however, a faint cardiac activity, the ultrasound results read. 

We went to our OB right after and she said that it's possible that the baby is too small so his heart hasn't developed yet and to repeat it after 2 weeks.

So we were hoping for the best.

But as I walked out of the room after my 2nd ultrasound, I knew something was not right. This was not the best that we were hoping for.

I saw Dennis sitting in the waiting room, with eyes closed praying as I walked towards him. He looked at me and seeing my face, knew that something was up.

"I think something is wrong..." I told him.

"Sabi nya, your doctor will be the one to explain it to you," I added.

"Pero may heartbeat?" he asked.

"Wala."

So we sat in silence and true enough, the results said: 

Fetal heart rate: N/A

Consider embryonic demise

It was not yet sinking in, although my eyes were starting to blur with tears as we walked together to our OB's clinic. Dennis was holding my hand all throughout. 

                         

The next 2 days felt like a week-long stretch. 

We went for another ultrasound the next day just to confirm. And the results were the same. 

"Wala po talagang heartbeat." The sonologist said, showing me the fetus on the monitor, with no movement whatsoever.

Apparently hearing it the second time doesn't make it easier. I cried my eyes out as I sat outside the ultrasound room. 

What the OB said after were the procedures that had to be done to take baby out of my body. We were going to wait for baby to come out naturally with meds and if D&C is required, then we have to do it.

All of these were expected to transpire in the next week.

My mind was whirring from what just happened so I had to ground myself that this was actually happening and it was happening fast. Yesterday, I thought that the baby was okay but now I was preparing for the baby to be taken out of my body as soon as possible.

So now we wait.

I am scared, worried, tired and the med's side effects are not making things better. The side effects of the meds are similar to pregnancy symptoms plus a whole lot more.

So I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained and well, we're still waiting for the worst to happen.

We lost our baby (part 2)