I wrote this hours before I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I am pregnant! Even I cannot believe it myself!
More on that later, nakakatawa pano ko nalaman... :P but let me first share to you what was going on in my mind before I found out...
The worrier-me before finding out
This is the part that they don't prepare you for after getting married. The getting-pregnant part. This is also the part that we don't usually talk about. We can talk about chores, about serving together, about our in-laws but somehow when it comes to reproductive issues, it's a topic that we would rather avoid or dismiss with a smile.
I am one of those. I have been putting off having to sit inside an OB clinic since I got married. When friends would ask about us having kids and whether I have had myself checked yet, I just tell them "baka next week", then smile then change the topic. I wasn't lying. I really meant to get myself the courage to finally get that doctor's appointment but... well, I just chicken out and chalk it up to being so busy with everything else.
Of course I know my health is important especially since Dennis and I both love kids. And maybe that's why it's so difficult to gather the bravery I so need because it is THAT important. Get what I mean? If something is so important to you, then there's a level of expectation and where expectation is, there disappointment will be.
And a part of me didn't want to know -- I have heard of stories of women who have had one miscarriage after another and who had a hard time conceiving and I fear that for myself.
Deep inside of me, I am hoping that God will just sweep me out of these technicalities and these scientific hulabaloo and be the God I know He is. I want to get pregnant, minus the nerve-wrenching and tear-drenching experience that it sometimes comes with. So there's a big part of me that hopes that I will just get pregnant before I even have to sit myself in front of an OB.
Oh, btw I forgot to mention that I had PCOS and was diagnosed 10 years ago. I took pills for 6 months and had regular period for the most part ever since (TMI, hello!). So since then, I haven't had an ultrasound to check what has been going in there. Thus, the fear.
Also, I am already 31 years old, and turning 32 in a few months' time and we all know what they say about hitting the big 3-0 and your chance of getting pregnant.
So after sipping our coffee over breakfast this morning, Dennis finally booked us an OB appointment. So in 24 hours, I will finally have myself checked.
I should be happy and excited but I feel none of those things.
Instead, I feel scared.
I feel pressured.
I feel scared of being disappointed.
I feel scared of being a disappointment.
I feel scared of what would happen next.
Will there be treatments? Or do we need to work up? These are all details I am bracing myself for -- that's why I am writing because I need to sit and prepare myself.
I know that God will come through no matter what happens, and that Jesus is enough whether He wills it for us to have a baby or not -- but right now, I feel very much a human with so much emotions welling up inside me.
It is only God who knows and who can steady my heart with His joy and peace because He owns my body.
I don't want to scare the doctor tomorrow by bursting into tears like what happened this morning with Dennis.
But just for today, I need time with my Great Healer and master because He alone can comfort and help me for what will come next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How I found out and how I got it wrong the first time
That same afternoon, I asked help from my friend to buy me a pregnancy test. I was already 1 week delayed so I was hoping and praying for a positive result, but with my PCOS and all, there was also a chance that my period is just going haywire. But I remember my prayer at that time, "Lord, kahit hindi ako buntis ngayon, alam kong walang imposible sayo. Sana po magpositive, please, please."
So after taking it, only one line showed, I waited for a few minutes and remembered that there was a second almost-nothing, faint-kung-faint line but I thought it was really nothing... so I threw the PT in the trash and vibered my 2 accomplices at that time (hello mars and marbs! :P) that it was a negative.
But then I kept thinking about that faint line, and just like any girl who is clueless about these things, I googled "faint line pregnancy test" and it said there that no matter how faint the line is, it is a positive!!!
I couldn't believe it!!! I was so excited for Dennis to come home so I can surprise him with the result!
I took it again after 3 days and the line became more clear! Whoohoooo!
Dennis' expression was priceless. He was worn out when he got home and I told him, "baby, I show you something..." and pointed to the pregnancy test sitting on our kitchen counter. He motioned forward and couldn't believe it. That morning, his wife was having a meltdown and now, she is pregnant!
Dennis turned to me and asked with eyes so incredulous, asked: Talaga??? Then we hugged and we were so happy! He was just smiling minutes after saying it hasn't sank in yet but he was super happy!
There really is nothing impossible with God!!! Remember my tone hours before I took it, I was sad, worried and pleading yet God turned my worry into hope and my mourning into joy!
I just want to share what I was feeling before I took the pregnancy test... I guess so many women can relate to this... and I just want to encourage you that God hears your prayers so continue praying! :) He is faithful, always!
At least may excuse na ang chubby cheeks ko! :P
More on that later, nakakatawa pano ko nalaman... :P but let me first share to you what was going on in my mind before I found out...
The worrier-me before finding out
This is the part that they don't prepare you for after getting married. The getting-pregnant part. This is also the part that we don't usually talk about. We can talk about chores, about serving together, about our in-laws but somehow when it comes to reproductive issues, it's a topic that we would rather avoid or dismiss with a smile.
I am one of those. I have been putting off having to sit inside an OB clinic since I got married. When friends would ask about us having kids and whether I have had myself checked yet, I just tell them "baka next week", then smile then change the topic. I wasn't lying. I really meant to get myself the courage to finally get that doctor's appointment but... well, I just chicken out and chalk it up to being so busy with everything else.
Of course I know my health is important especially since Dennis and I both love kids. And maybe that's why it's so difficult to gather the bravery I so need because it is THAT important. Get what I mean? If something is so important to you, then there's a level of expectation and where expectation is, there disappointment will be.
And a part of me didn't want to know -- I have heard of stories of women who have had one miscarriage after another and who had a hard time conceiving and I fear that for myself.
Deep inside of me, I am hoping that God will just sweep me out of these technicalities and these scientific hulabaloo and be the God I know He is. I want to get pregnant, minus the nerve-wrenching and tear-drenching experience that it sometimes comes with. So there's a big part of me that hopes that I will just get pregnant before I even have to sit myself in front of an OB.
Oh, btw I forgot to mention that I had PCOS and was diagnosed 10 years ago. I took pills for 6 months and had regular period for the most part ever since (TMI, hello!). So since then, I haven't had an ultrasound to check what has been going in there. Thus, the fear.
Also, I am already 31 years old, and turning 32 in a few months' time and we all know what they say about hitting the big 3-0 and your chance of getting pregnant.
So after sipping our coffee over breakfast this morning, Dennis finally booked us an OB appointment. So in 24 hours, I will finally have myself checked.
I should be happy and excited but I feel none of those things.
Instead, I feel scared.
I feel pressured.
I feel scared of being disappointed.
I feel scared of being a disappointment.
I feel scared of what would happen next.
Will there be treatments? Or do we need to work up? These are all details I am bracing myself for -- that's why I am writing because I need to sit and prepare myself.
I know that God will come through no matter what happens, and that Jesus is enough whether He wills it for us to have a baby or not -- but right now, I feel very much a human with so much emotions welling up inside me.
It is only God who knows and who can steady my heart with His joy and peace because He owns my body.
I don't want to scare the doctor tomorrow by bursting into tears like what happened this morning with Dennis.
But just for today, I need time with my Great Healer and master because He alone can comfort and help me for what will come next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How I found out and how I got it wrong the first time
That same afternoon, I asked help from my friend to buy me a pregnancy test. I was already 1 week delayed so I was hoping and praying for a positive result, but with my PCOS and all, there was also a chance that my period is just going haywire. But I remember my prayer at that time, "Lord, kahit hindi ako buntis ngayon, alam kong walang imposible sayo. Sana po magpositive, please, please."
So after taking it, only one line showed, I waited for a few minutes and remembered that there was a second almost-nothing, faint-kung-faint line but I thought it was really nothing... so I threw the PT in the trash and vibered my 2 accomplices at that time (hello mars and marbs! :P) that it was a negative.
But then I kept thinking about that faint line, and just like any girl who is clueless about these things, I googled "faint line pregnancy test" and it said there that no matter how faint the line is, it is a positive!!!
I couldn't believe it!!! I was so excited for Dennis to come home so I can surprise him with the result!
I took it again after 3 days and the line became more clear! Whoohoooo!
Dennis' expression was priceless. He was worn out when he got home and I told him, "baby, I show you something..." and pointed to the pregnancy test sitting on our kitchen counter. He motioned forward and couldn't believe it. That morning, his wife was having a meltdown and now, she is pregnant!
Dennis turned to me and asked with eyes so incredulous, asked: Talaga??? Then we hugged and we were so happy! He was just smiling minutes after saying it hasn't sank in yet but he was super happy!
There really is nothing impossible with God!!! Remember my tone hours before I took it, I was sad, worried and pleading yet God turned my worry into hope and my mourning into joy!
"'If you can?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes." Mark 9:23
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