First

Sharing this memoir/prose (is there such a thing) that I wrote years ago... What do you think this one's about? The title should give it away... :) Enjoy!


I smiled at the thought of a memory, as I bite my lip from the cold.

It’s nice to be here.

Despite the cold weather, there’s a freedom in the air that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s a feeling that you want to embrace and breathe in for as long as you can.

I sank my feet deeper into the wet sand and closed my eyes, listening closely to the waves crashing in front of me. The sun was a ball of orange waiting to be dipped into the seemingly cool but fierce waters.

It’s an amazing feeling when you feel like you have all the time in the world. When the time and the world are yours for the taking. I contrasted this to how the past year had been. I looked back at the past months and mumbled a silent thank you to the One above for allowing me to be here.

It’s been a year of… a lot of things. If I were to describe it: it was difficult, challenging and painful. I felt like I was chasing happiness—trying to be okay—for a long time. Then I got too tired of running, of chasing, that I had to sit still and remind myself to embrace this season of disciplining in my life.

There had been times when I became too stubborn. I held on to my idealism too tight, wanting everything to be rosy and peachy at the end of the day.  Then learning the hard way that not everything is meant to be well for everyone. Sometimes you have to let go of your ideals to make room for a more realistic picture. It’s a liberating feeling of total surrender, of accepting that there are things not within your control. When you get to that point, you simply walk away, knowing full well that you have exhausted your means and having that peace in your heart. You can now look at the world with a smile, despite its imperfections.

Then little by little, I learned to fall back into love with the things and the people surrounding me. My laughter does not sound so hollow anymore as how the past months had been. The passion and sincerity of being in the moment came rushing back. The light in my eyes and the excitement of plunging myself to first time experiences danced in my heart like a little kid.

And now… here I am.

I heaved a sigh of relief as I drew a little box in the sand and stopped short with my finger lingering at its closing. I did not know what to draw next. I wanted to draw a star… or a flower, or maybe even a butterfly. But I kind of like the idea of it being empty. There is a mystery of looking at something without knowing what  is inside. Kind of how the next year would be like.

I want this year to be, as cliché as it sounds—a clean slate. Not like staring at a blank white sheet of paper, but turning the page to a new chapter—acknowledging that the ups and downs of the past year has happened—but ready to move forward, to make colorful patterns and scribbles in the fresh new pages.

Excited and full of hope, I stood up, brushing the sands from my shorts and picked up my flip flops. Barefoot, I took one last look at the last rays of the sun. It wasn’t trying to cling for its last light for dear life anymore. It just let itself go into the horizon, knowing full well that tomorrow, it will have its time to shine again. 

Then as I walked back home, I clutched the invisible box with me, and I imagine flipping my life to a new page.